


April Egg Tax

by Pearlybj



Series: Decembering [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Angsty Ch1 & 2, Asexual Character, Easter Eggs, Egg Laying, Eggpreg, Eggs, F/F, F/M, Fae & Fairies, Futanari, Harems, M/M, Mind Meld, Xenophilia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-02
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:00:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23437318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearlybj/pseuds/Pearlybj
Summary: There is a demand for eggs. We refuse to wait another year.
Relationships: Dave's Bro | Beta Dirk Strider/John Egbert, Jane Crocker/Dave Strider, Jane Crocker/Rose Lalonde, John Egbert/Dave Strider, John Egbert/Rose Lalonde
Series: Decembering [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/935022
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	April Egg Tax

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pearlybj](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearlybj/gifts).



“Stop that.”

“Convincing but nah.”

“Dave, dual-wielding brooms doesn’t work, oh my god. Let me help!” John tried to snag one of the brooms, but he was too slow in his chair.

“No, I got this dude. This is twice as fast as one broom.”  _ I’m not letting you exhaust yourself when you’re carrying. _

John pouted at his drone. “Aww, c’mon. It’s only been a few days. I’m not useless yet.”

_ You’re not useless ever. _

Dave tried to wipe his dusty fingers clean on his frilly little apron but dropped a handle. “Fuck. Dude, this shit hits fast. You’re stuffed to the brim with eggs here. Cool your jets for now.”

“What?! I’m not even showing yet. Am I showing?” John asked, poking his stomach.

“Nah.”  _ Got a lil’ something something around the midriff. Gog, you’re sexy like this. I want to be- fuck, I can’t believe he lost his virginity to that shitty old man, fuck. I bet he went crazy, ruined the mattress from pounding it too hard. Made John too sore to walk straight. If he could walk, right. I forgot. What a piece of shit old drone. Fuck, I’m so jealous of him. _

John’s face heated up. “I’m not sore! I’m fine. I can sweep.”

Dave kept his attention on his chore, avoiding eye contact. “...Oh, that’s. Good to hear.” Dirty images flipped through his mind.

The Queen was used to overhearing his drones’ thoughts by now. His loyal friend had a lot of errant fantasies about too-many people. It was embarrassing when it featured John, sure, but Dave treated him well, never acted without discipline. That was what mattered.

Although, maybe he was being too much of a gentleman? He wouldn’t even let John sweep. A little ache and some tiredness weren’t going to stop him...

“Dave?”

“Sup?”

“I’ll quit being dumb and let you do it. Just put down the second broom! That’s not working.”

“Hey, I’m almost done. It’s totally working.”  _ You’re not. _

“Not what?”

_ Not dumb. _ “Nothing. Forget it.”  _ No one is stupid enough to think John is dumb. _

“Pfft. You’re such a goof,” he told Dave. “Thanks. Will you make me hot chocolate after sweeping?”

“Sure, man.”

///

Later, the Queen’s Hand joined them for cocoa in the sitting room, towing along a guest. She was shorter than the drones and lacked the commanding presence their elegant wings provided, but goddamn she didn’t need it. A woman in her early thirties, she wielded her clipboard like a knife, and her pointed expression read EXPECTATIONS in bold print. Don’t disappoint her.

With a grin, John rolled up to her and offered a hand. She took it, not afraid of the consequences for touching her Queen.

“Hi! I’m John. Thanks for coming out here.”

“Jane, Dr. Crocker, it’s an honor.”

A hum in the background, Dave’s thoughts rolled off on another adventure of their own.  _ Gog, she’s fucking hot, this is why we let Rose pick the harem members. No offense John, your taste is shit man. The suit jacket and pencil skirt? Now THAT’S a classic look. Leagues ahead of douche-in-polo. Crap, I still can’t believe he lost his virginity to- _

John whacked Dave in the shoulder. He told their guest, “You’ve already met Rose! And you don’t need to know who this guy is. He’s just a dork that cleans the floor.”

Rose grinned viciously. “That’s right. Please let David know if you need help with your bags or equipment. He’s quite reliable with menial labor.”  _ Oh, Mr. Strider. What on earth have your meandering thoughts dragged up this time? No doubt an observation on the ready access provided by the pencil skirt to the average OL. A timeless classic, one I’ve yet to partake in myself. Is a correction called for? _

John palmed his face. They were  _ both _ his hopeless dummies.

“Sup,” Dave greeted.

The woman frowned, not amused. “I see. There is a good load of equipment to be wrestled up the front step. I’d value the assistance. Mind if I take a gander of the nestroom after our cocoa? And my lodgings, of course.”

John’s train of thought stopped short. The ‘Bert Express has arrived at the Queen’s station, there are no scheduled departures.

“What?”

Rose answered, “Of course. We still need to move a few of my things- my bedroom is being repurposed for the nestroom. As for the lodgings, I’ve arranged for a space at the Alexis Hotel downtown.”

“Isn’t that a bit far?” Jane asked.

“We value your comfort, but if you’d prefer, I can cancel our arrangements and have you moved to the ‘Shittyatt’ just down the road.” Rose used Bro’s name for his hotel chain with a straight face.

“I understand. That will have to do,” Jane said. Her expression seemed a bit dark, and John couldn’t help but wonder what’s going on in her head. If only he could read minds outside his entourage. Not that he actually wants to know what people are thinking when they stare at him. That’d get annoying fast.

John pressed, “Are you sure? If something else works better for you, I wanna know!”

Jane hesitated. “I… really wouldn’t mind holing up at the flophouse, but it’d be downright chippy of me to be off site during an emergency.”

It took a moment for John to process the request. “Oh! You want to stay here?”

“If that would be possible without ankling in on His Majesty’s privacy. Forgive my useless peepers, I haven’t noticed any separate worker’s quarters.”

“Yeahhh. Dave, do you wanna show Dr. Jane where Rose’s room is? I’ll just talk with Rose for a tiny bit here.”

///   
  
“You didn’t tell me we need a whole room for the eggs! That’s kind of important!” John complained to Rose.

“It slipped my mind.”  _ Usually, a Queen produces enough eggs to fill several rooms every quartile. I didn’t want you to worry. _

“What?! That’s ridiculous! There’s no way I can do that. That’s- ugh, that’s so many.”

“I know. Just do what you can, honeybee. Mr. Strider and I will figure out the rest.”

John took a moment to knead his temples. “Okay. Okay, yeah. I can do that.” Bluntly, he added, “Can we maybe not hire that lady though? I don’t like her.”

Rose sighed, “We can try to find a replacement, but it will take a long time. Our other options were… worse.” Her mind betrayed no inkling of what ‘worse’ meant. “We’ll have to keep her for now. Please try to be forgiving if she’s a little hard to get along with.”

“She has a big stick up her butt!  _ My peepers don’t see any servant’s quarters, _ bluh bluh. It can’t be  _ that _ hard to find a better dude,” John complained.

“The eggs will be here in approximately a week, and we need to have our nestroom setup before then. That leaves us with a mere five days to get a new specialist.”   
  
The words sunk to the pit of John’s stomach like a bowling ball. A week? He wasn’t ready- couldn’t be. Not yet.   
  
“Are you sure? It takes at least a month, right? Like a Decembering. People are really big! I mean eggs aren’t big I guess. But they’re complicated! Brains are complicated.”

Clasping her hands together, Rose tried to maintain an even tone. “No, eggs are not ‘big I guess.’ You stated that you completed the online course I sent you. Do you have any idea what we’re getting ourselves into?”  _ Information is a direct thoroughfare to power. _

“ _ We?! _ I’m the one that has to make tiny people! I feel weird and gross all the time, Dave and Bro won’t stop thinking about my eggs, and I can’t even leave when I get sick of them. People watch me everywhere I go. It’s creepy!”

“I’m so sorry, John. That isn’t what I meant. I understand the types of challenges you’re experiencing are… unique. I cannot even begin to ponder what sort of turmoil you must be experiencing.”  _ The program detailed symptoms of carrying eggs including mood swings, bloating, cramps, increased frequency of urination, loss of bowel control, perinatal depression- _

“Rose! What else aren’t you telling me?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

_ I don’t know what you mean. Perinatal depression can coexist with omega-dysphoric symptoms- _

John exploded. “You’re trying to sound all fucking nice to cover up thinking you know exactly what the problem is, and you’re thinking about other problems so I think that’s the real problem that you think I don’t know, and I’ll think you’re being all smarmy about it because you did the dumb course. But you are really being smarmy and not pretend-smarmy, even though that’s not the real problem, so it’s a good cover up.”

_ Damn, caught with the metaphorical pants dragging uselessly at my ankles.  _ “Smarmy is a clumsy word, isn’t it?” Rose asked.

“Shut up!” he yelled, then backtracked. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, but…”

“Mood swings?” Rose offered an easy out, winking.

_ Anger most justified. None of this is fair to John. I’m so sorry. So sorry. _

“Yeah. Forget it. I’ll go rescue Dave.”

///

Doctor Crocker was led out of the sitting room and up the stairs. Her knife-heels never wobbled once on the damn thing. How did she do that?

An empty wheelchair sat at the top of the staircase for John. The doc looked confused, perhaps wondering the same question Dave asked a thousand times about why they didn’t move into a one story house. Beats him.

“Rose’s room is here on the right, mine is across the hall- Rose will be with me now- and Bro is on the end. John is downstairs, but I swear he always figures out how to get up here before I wake up. The bucket of water-on-the-door trick is his favorite. He’s so lame. Not in that way, crap. Forget I said that.”

Dave opened the door to the new nestroom.

“Thank you. Are you quite sure I am allowed in there?” Jane questioned.

“Yeah, dog. ‘Long as we don’t break anything I guess. Why?”

“These are the private quarters of the Queen’s Hand. I wouldn’t want you in a tight spot over this.”

“Hey, I’m used to her crap. Don’t sweat it.”  _ That broad will flay my ass if she finds out I read her diary again. And not in a sexy way. Shit, that’d still be hot. _

Jane pursed her lip, displeased. “That’s a right shame. If I were her, I’d cherish your company.”

Dave blushed. “Thanks. Me too. But if the metaphor were the other way around with you. Uh.”  _ Smooth. _

“Why thank you. Shall we save the dithering for later and move the equipment up? The incubators are a tad hefty.”

Three machines were toted up to the nestroom before a knocking sound interrupted them.

“Dave! Hey, Dave!” John yelled from the bottom of the stairs.

“Be right there.” Dave ran down to join him. “Hey, man. Got everything figured out?”

“I guess,” John sighed. He was still mad about Rose’s maze of words, but he tried to smile. “Do you wanna stay in my room? And we’ll move Rose in with Bro. Then we’ll have enough room for Jane and the nestroom, until we find a new egg person.”

Dave moped. “Damn, can we keep her and hire a second person? We were really hitting it off back there.”

John’s fake smile cracked. “Dude, she’s being nice to you because it’s her  _ job. _ Don’t be creepy while she’s doing doctor stuff. That’s dickish.”

“I’m not.”  _ What the hell? I didn’t do shit to her, sit around all day, no boyfriend or girlfriend for four fucking years, not even a hookup, doing what I’m supposed to do, and it was fucking Bro that took- _

John yelled, “That’s not my fault! I never said you can’t do stuff. Rose does stuff all the time.”

“I’m not Rose. Rose is chill.”  _ I ask for one thing, and I’m the dick. Why that weird fucking old man, stuffed him with dick, got that stupid fucking necklace he’s wearing now too. _

“Stop thinking about that!”

“I can’t.” Dave finally raised his voice a hair, infected by John’s anger. “Things get stuck in my head like a scratched record, and trying to take the record off starts it up again.”  _ I’m trying, but Bro- _   
  
“So try something else! Go to the record store, I don’t care.” John clenched his fists.

Dave protested, “I can’t leave, I need to be here-”

“Just for five minutes. Take a stupid walk.” “No-” “Get out!”

John screamed the last words, loud enough for the other drone and worker to hear. A deathly quiet followed, uninterrupted by any meandering thoughts. Dave’s mind itself was silent.   
  
“...Um, buddy?” John tried.

“Shit, you’re right man. I feel a lot less stuck already just thinking about taking a walk. That’s a good idea. Thanks.”   
  
Not a word slipped from his mind as Dave grabbed a set of headphones and left. John watched him through the front window until he disappeared around the corner.

///

Strider returned from his walk with a swing in his step and a melody hummed under his breath. The mood seemed to be infectious, Rose and the uptight worker smiling a hair more over dinner. Unfortunately, John was immune to the jovial tune, only panicking more the longer Dave’s mind stayed silent, as though really broken now, not just scratched. The oldest drone wasn’t in much better shape, staring at nothing with a dead expression. If John hadn’t already searched their house, he would’ve sworn Bro saw a ghost.

All nonchalance, the drone echoed his concerns back at the Queen.

_ It ain’t nothin’. What about you, yer pinging me mad with panic. What’s up, sugar? _ Bro thought.

John shrugged at him, not wanting to interrupt the spooky story Rose was telling. Something about horrific beasts from beyond-beyond? He wasn’t really following.

_ Yer gonna be fine. Got some relaxants and shit all setup, Sunday will be over before you know it. _

Oh, great. That’s not even what John was thinking about this time. Guess he’ll worry about Dave  _ and _ his eggs now.   
  
After dinner, the younger drone brought a few of his things down to John’s room. A mess of electronics, clothes and toiletries were piled up in the far corner.

“Daaaaaaaave, why do you have one shirt and twenty pairs of boxers? Have you been wetting the bed or something? Oh my god, this is the only king size mattress we have. Don’t ruin it!”

“What no. There’s a lady staying in my room, I can’t leave my underwear in there. That’s gross.”

_ “Oh my god. _ Normal workers aren’t even interested in drones, why would she care?”

“Cause. Shit, I’m fucking sorry.”

John frowned. “For what? Are you sure you didn’t do something rude to her? That’s super not cool, she probably thinks she can’t say no. She’s all  _ rah, rah, I am a servant to the entourage. _ That’s not permission!”

Dave’s mind was as painfully silent as ever. Aloud, he said, “What? No, I didn’t do shit. Hold on, I got you.”   
  
John’s attempt to lift himself into bed failed utterly, his arms even weaker than usual. Ever so gently, Dave picked him up and rested him on the mattress.

“Thanks. Pajamas pretty please?”   
  
“Sure. What do you want to wear?”

“You pick!”

Dave froze for a long moment. A blush creeped up his neck. He muttered, “Fuck, my bad. I swear I’m trying not to think about it.” Silence followed.

With watery eyes, John blurted out, “I’m so sorry I broke you! I didn’t mean to. I don’t even know what I did...”

“Shit, cool it man. I’m finer than china. Let’s get you changed.”

Carefully, Dave worked John’s shirt free of his arms and wings, then lifted him up. His jeans and boxers were replaced by a thin pair of pajama pants. He sat shirtless with the biggest pout.

“All good? Do you want a shirt?”

John whined, “Noooo, I broke you. I am super sorry.”

“Is this about earlier? I felt loads better after taking a walk, you were right. Hell, maybe I should take a walk every day.”

“But your brain got all quiet! I didn’t mean to make you stop thinking, that’s not fair. I just didn’t want to hear about my gross eggs anymore. How are you supposed to be normal without thoughts?”

Dave stared at him and broke out laughing. “Man, my brain never shut up. Hell, I never even managed to stop thinking about sex. You can’t hear me?”

“No!” John pouted some more for good measure.

Another long pause followed. “Nothing?”

“No.”

Dave grinned. “Ha! Thank fuck. Can’t stop me from being gay as shit now. I’ll be out in twenty, shout if you need anything.” He walked into the master bathroom and shut the door.

“Oh my god. Dave, you don’t need to announce that.” The door didn’t answer.

In spite of everything else, John was relieved. Dave was okay, everything was fine. The peace and quiet was nice too. The big dummy finished up and laid down next to John. He chattered idly before drifting off.

No annoying thoughts.

John waited until Dave started snoring, then wiggled over. He fitted himself under the drone’s wing and tucked his face into a warm shoulder. It was nice.


End file.
